That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
