My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
