Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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