if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
