i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
