I am puke
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
