I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
