My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
