Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize