Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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