My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
