I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
false alarm, still single
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize