sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
