I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
