Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
