i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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