Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
