I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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