is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
