After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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