she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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