tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
