so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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