I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
