I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
