Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
