yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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