So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
