I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
