i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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