I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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