So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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