the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
