Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
