I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i barfeds in our rink
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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