I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
