I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We have started to decorate penises.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
