I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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