Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
