mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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