Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
