I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
