This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
