Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
