the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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