you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I wish there were birth control emojis
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
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