My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize