Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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