i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
