I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
