im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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