the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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