If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
