Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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