having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
