Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
