You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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