she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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