apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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