There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
