I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize