We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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