Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
